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Sexual development
Before puberty
Sexuality education begins in the first few months of life. This is when children learn how to feel about the sexual parts of their body.
Children quickly pick up the messages parents give out about sex and sexuality. By being a positive role model and giving simple and honest answers to their questions, parents send the positive message that it's okay to talk about sex. This will have a significant impact in their child's later years.
What is normal?
Pre-school children
Some of the behaviours you can expect to see in babies and pre-school children include:
- talking about genitals or 'where babies come from' with peers or asking you questions about this
- playing doctors or 'you-show-me-yours-and-I'll-show-you-mine' games with friends
- masturbating occasionally
- imitating adults by kissing or flirting
- telling dirty jokes and using swear words (four year olds love toilet words and are fascinated by what people do in bathrooms and toilets).
When boys aged under three see that girls don't have a penis, they might worry that they will lose theirs. Toddlers don't yet understand that body parts are permanent.
Starting school
By the time children start school, most have learned that nudity, looking at other people's bodies and masturbation should be done in private. However, they're still very curious about:
- pregnancy and birth
- looking at other people, especially around girls' and boys' toilets
- sexual intercourse (they will talk about it and use words they've heard from friends or in the media and play games that include kissing and marriage).
What can parents do?
Children learn by imitation. Their behaviour reflects that of the people around them, especially parents, and the exposure they've had to TV, movies, the internet and computer games. There are some simple steps you can take to support your child in having a positive sexual life:
- Become informed. If you think your knowledge of sex and reproduction isn't up to date, there are a number of books and DVDs available to help you.
- Start thinking about your own attitudes to sex. If you think your parents didn't deal with the subject very well, decide how you would like to be with your child and practise to make sure you're ready.
- Start thinking about how you talk about and behave towards people of different genders and sexualities. These attitudes are likely to be modelled by your child. A child who thinks they could be same-sex attracted won't be comfortable coming out to a parent who uses derogatory terms and put downs and doesn't show other people respect.
- Practise taking a deep breath and not over-reacting. For example, it doesn't help to punish a toddler for masturbating or to use words like 'dirty'. It's best to say that it's something that should be done in private, not in front of other people.
- It's best to answer questions when they come up and to use simple words. A toddler is happy to know babies come 'out of the mummy's tummy'. If the situation is difficult (and children do have a tendency to ask these questions in the check-out line), you can give a simple answer and say you will talk more at home. It's important to then make sure you do.
Things to remember
All children are curious about sex. Talking about it won't make them more curious, but will make them know they can come to you for honest answers to their questions. This will help make them more responsible and able to make informed and positive choices about sex.
More information